We Stand on Guard for beer, eh?
by Phil From Produce
Summary: Peter Griffin drinks canadian beer and decides to become a canadian. Meanwhile, Brian falls for Stewie's Daycare lady. May be offensive to some Believers of Christ and Some Canadians And wouldn't you believe it? i'm both of those.
1. Peter Discovers Canadian Beer

Title: Family guy; We stand on guard for beer, eh?

Summary: Peter griffin changes his tone about canadians after he drinks their beer; while brian gets a job as a janitor at stewies daycare, and develops a crush on one of the daycare workers.

Rated: T for Teen (Censored Swearing, Violence, Sexual References)

Disclaimer: Family guy is Owned and created by the great Seth McFarlane

()()()()()()()()()()()()

Part one - Hockey game

The griffin family sat and watched the Quahog patriots play against the moncton hawks.

"hey! you canadians suck!" yelled peter griffin at the hawks

"Peter, they can't hear you." said lois

"Go back to your tee-pees and igloos!" peter yelled at the hawks

"Peter, Canadians don't live in Tee-pees and igloos!" lois exclaimed to peter

"what! Canadians don't live in houses lois, they've haven't figured out how to build

them yet!" replied peter

"They live in houses, peter. but they mostly live in trailer parks"

(cutscene)

"hey boys! have you seen my kitty?" asked bubbles

"no bubbs, i haven't seen him anywhere." said Ricky

"uh-oh boys, come look at this." said julian, pointing at the TV

"Hi, i'm Ron cherry, eh?"

"and i'm Cassie Wickenheiser."

"today we got a mr. fuk's rice box establishment in toronto, it's a beauty. we now go live to

asian reporter Tricia takanawa, who is on the scene, eh? tricia?"

"Ron, i'm here at mr. fuk's rice box where mr. Fuk is offering free samples of his new dish,

called Kitty-delight. mr. fuk, how are kitty-delights made?" asked Tricia

"i tell you, but i may have to kirr you! hahaha! no, i take kitty from trairer park in

mumpton. they cute, but they no match for my creaver!"

"Lahey! that bastard!" yelled Julian

"C-ksucker!" yelled bubbles

(end cutscene)

"Uh geez, i'm thirsty. at least they serve beer." said peter, walking off

"kids, are you enjoying yourselves?" asked lois to meg and chris

"yeah!" they said in unison

"i'm pretending the puck is like a big black poop and the players and beating it with their sticks!" chris laughed

"i'm so hot for that bellevue guy!" meg mispronounced the name. lois felt the need to

tell her something.

"aww, meg, one day you'll learn to lower your expectations, just like taylor swift will have to."

(cutscene)

Taylor swift is standing outside a dressing room for taylor lautner

"come on taylor, i love you so much! i can't eat, i can't sleep! i need you!"

"Yeah, just like you need every other guy thats been on the cover of tiger beat every week." replied lautner

"no! no! i should've said no!" swift began to cry

"and your songs suck! your acting sucks! you're a camera whore! you'll date me for a month, then dump me and make a big scene about it and get the camera pointed at you again!" said lautner

"no! i hate you!" taylor swift began to cry

then brian shows up with a drink in his hand

"hey babe, you, you're looking good." said brian

"really?" asked Taylor

"no, i'm just kidding, you look like a tranny." replied brian.

(end of cutscene)

"i wonder if peters up to anything up there." lois said to herself

peter was standing at the beer garden.

"uh, can i get thing of pawtucket beer?" asked Peter

"i'm sorry mister, we're out." said the bartender

"holy crap! no! how can you be out! it's our local beer!" said peter

"i have some molson canadian if you'd like." the bartender offered

"no way buddy, canadian beer sucks, and besides, i can't pay for it, i don't have any

canadian money." said peter

"Thats ok, i'll take american money for it." said the bartender

"still won't buy it." said peter

"what if i offered it to you at the price that canadians pay for it?" asked the bartender

"how much?" asked peter

"well, calculating inflation, the comparison of the canadian and american dollar, about a

buck." said the bartender

"holy crap! a buck for a beer?! no wonder canadians are wasted all the time, it's like a

dream come true!" said peter

"so are you a molson canadian drinker?" asked the bartender

"you betcha! cheers!" peter grabbed the beer and took a drink. all of the sudden,

he had a long epic pause.

"that...beer...was...incredible." said peter

"you want another one?" asked the bartender

"oh hell ya, buddy! i'm gonna be so drunk, like abraham lincoln when he freed the slaves!"

(cutscene)

"mr. president, i have a bit of news for you." said the secretary of state

"not now, i have a huge hangover. get tyrone to do it." said mr. lincoln

"tyrone can't do it, mr. president. you freed him last night." said the Secretary

"why did i free him?" asked lincoln

"you freed all the slaves, mr. lincoln. you were drunk, you dry humped the sheriff's wife, put an apple between your butt cheeks and got a horse to eat it, then you signed a paper that freed all the slaves, then you peed in the water bucket you've been drinking out of all morning." said the secretary

lincoln threw up all over the floor.

"I freed the what!?"

(end cutscene)


	2. Baywatch, Mary & joseph on Maury?

Part 2 - Happy Dayz Daycare

The next day, brian was driving stewie to daycare.

"hey brian, how was your sleep last night?" asked Stewie

"Ok i guess. i had this weird dream where lois and i were having sex." said brian

"doing it doggie style?" asked Stewie

"actually missionary style." said Brian

"ugh, thats a scarier thought than the fat man guest starring on baywatch."

(Cutscene)

Peter was standing in a pair of red speedos next to C.J. Parker and Mitch Buchannon.

"Shark! Shark!" yelled a girl in the water

"i'll save you!" yelled peter

"no wait, he swam away." said the girl

Peter ran into the water anyway and beat up the shark, and brought the breathing,

alive girl to shore.

"Ok, the sharks gone, i'm ok now!" said the girl

"hang on, i gotta do some CPR!" said Peter

Peter began doing CPR on the girl, laying right on top of her. much to the shock of C.J.

and Mitch

"Peter, you're crushing her!" said C.J.

"shut up! you're distracting me!" peter yelled at C.J.

peter's weight completely crushed the girl.

"uh-oh, i think she's deflated. C.J! blow her back up!" said Peter

"peter, you can't just blow up a person!" mitch chimed in

"blow her back up!" peter yelled at C.J.

C.J. Parker grabbed the girl, and tried doing C.P.R. on her.

"Man, this is hot." said Mitch

"Squeeze her boobs, that might help." said Peter

(End cutscene)

"Did you have any dreams last night?" asked brian

"nothing out of the ordinary." said Stewie

"ok, we're here. happy dayz Daycare." said brian

"quite right. time for me to go cause trouble for all the children in there." said Stewie

"you sure the catholic priest in front won't do enough?" asked brian

"oh, that's marvin, he's the janitor. bit of an odd fellow, isn't he?" asked Stewie

"he looks like the same priest peter did communion with." said Brian

(cutscene)

peter walks up to the communion table.

"this juice represents the blood of jesus, this piece of bread represents his

body." said the priest, handing the 2 objects to peter.

peter took a long pause.

"Can i get fries with that?" he asked

(end cutscene)

back home, lois was cooking up some food. chris and meg were in the livingroom.

brian rolled up in the driveway.

"i'm home." said brian

"hey." said everyone at once.

"so brian, did stewie behave himself on the way there?" asked lois

"ya, he was behaving himself. i'm just worried about that daycare's staff." said Brian

"why so?" asked Lois

"they hired a catholic priest to be the janitor there." said Brian

"so, whats wrong with a catholic priest doing that?" asked Lois

"Lois, it's a daycare. little boys." said Brian

"oh my god! my little stewie with a catholic priest! what if he does something to stewie?" asked lois

"i don't think you've gotta worry about it." said Brian

Back at the daycare, stewie was playing with blocks. Marvin walked up to him.

"hey little guy, mind if i clean the floor here?" asked marvin

"mind if i say the virgin mary was a whore?" asked Stewie

"what! what naughty language!" said marvin

"oh really? do you honestly think that the virgin mary was so pure! she wasn't married and she had a baby!"

"oh yah?" marvin was slightly enraged.

"Yes! and whoever wrote the book of luke forgot to mention they both went on maury!"

(Cutscene)

"joseph, i have a confession to make. Jesus may not be your baby!" said mary

"well no kidding! we ain't ever had sex before!" replied joseph

"So joseph, if you're the father of 6 month old jesus, you're going to be part of that

baby's life?" said maury

"you know what maury, i gon' be a big part o' that baby's life, i gon' be a good daddy! i ain't gon' be like that abraham guy!"

up in the sky, god looked down on mary and joseph

"oh come on! nothing really happened to isaac!"

(end cutscene)

"Thats it, little boy. you're in trouble. i'm telling monica." said marvin

"go do it you puss-bellied inbred apple-neck! tell monica!" said stewie

Marvin ran over to monica, Stewie's Daycare lady.

"monica, Stewie just insulted my religion!" said Marvin

"marvin, we agreed that while you came here you were not going

to force feed these children your beliefs." said monica

"but...but i wanna save these children!" said marvin

"from what? open minded thinking? you're fired! go!" monica ordered marvin out.

as marvin walked away from the premises, Brian and lois came walking in.

lois introduced herself to monica.

"Hi, i'm lois griffin, i'm stewie's mom." said Lois

"i'm monica, i run the Daycarel." said Monica

Brian looked at monica and was stunned by her beauty. her long blonde hair and

her cute glasses combined with navy slacks and a white shirt.

"oh, you look like you're having a bad day." said lois

"i just fired my catholic janitor. it's going to be hard finding someone to replace

him. it's a volunteer job." said Monica

"I'll take it!" brian chirped in

"oh! whats your name?" asked Monica

"Brian griffin." said brian

"Brian, you're a lifesaver!" monica hugged brian

Brian thought to himself "Jackpot."


	3. Brian gets a date, ABBA fans get dissed

Part 3 - Peter the canadian idiot

after brian gave all his information to become the janitor, miss monica showed him

around the daycare.

"this is the closet, it's where we keep all the brooms and mops." said monica

"ok." said brian

"there is a list of chores that our janitors have to do, you know, clean the toilets,

wipe up messes the children leave." said monica

"that's easy." stewie walked into the room and chimed in "You should see how he

cleaned when he and i were trapped in the bank vault." said Stewie

"shut up about that, stewie!" said Brian

"oh stewie. let me take you back to the other kids." said monica

Monica picked up stewie.

"No, no! Put me down i say!" said Stewie

Monica put stewie down next to the other kids.

"Now be a good little boy and behave." said Monica

"no! when i take over the world, i shall make your death slow and painful! like having

to sit down through mamma mia!" said Stewie

"Stewie, you'd better apologize for saying that one, you're going to

offend a lot of ABBA Fans." Said Brian, peeping into the room

"Stewart Gilligan Griffin apologizes to no one, Brian!" said Stewie

Monica walked back to brian.

"now let me show you the rest of this place." said monica

()

By the time lois got home, Peter was already off work.

"hi honey how was..." lois gasped as she saw peter sitting at the

table, drunk on molson canadian, and wearing a habs jersey.

"Oh my God! Peter! what the hell is this?" asked Lois

"Uh hey there beauty! I just got my hands on a case of beer, eh? i'm living life

like a canadian!" said Peter

"Peter, Not all canadians drink 24/7 and wear red sweaters with a C on them!" said Lois

"Yeah, well not all canadians are like pamela anderson either...eh?" said peter

"Peter, you're not a canadian, you're a drunken Irish catholic." said lois

"jeez, lois, I thought you'd be more supportive like Dolly parton's bras!"

(cutaway)

Dolly parton's bra cups are talking to each other.

"So, right cup, how many people saw you today?" asked left cup

"i felt a little shy today, i didn't really pop out." said right cup

"I've had days like that. it's been pretty hot out." said left cup

"man, i could hold this puppy up all day." said right cup

Then the camera pans up to show dolly parton talking.

"you said it. thats the quality and the support your girls will get with the big

boob bra company!" dolly advertised

Then the scene shows a bunch of large breasted women in bras.

"The Big boob bra company is proud to support large breasted women all over the world,

and lots of large breasted celebrities! Salma hayek! Sofia vergara! Saaya irie! Jack

nicholson, Your 65 year old aunt who looks like a suitcase and still wears a bikini to the

beach and just had her 3rd boob job! We have double Ds! F-cups! Triple-H Cups!"

"I support the Big Boob bra company!" said Triple H, wearing a bra

"i love the support my pecs get when i train for my matches to crush

all the punks who try to get into this business!"

"The Big boob bra company!"

then really quickly a sub-announcer said.

"wedonotsupportfatchicksorugl ychicks. pleaseseeourassociate,theuglyandfatgirlbracompany!"

(end cutaway)

"Peter, you know i'll support you, but i just can't see myself being excited

over a canadian. i mean, justin beiber is canadian." said Lois

"lois! i'm a canadian now, you'll just have to get used to it...eh?"

()

Back at the daycare, Brian was getting ready to take stewie home.

"so you'll be here tommorow morning at 9 am with stewie?" asked Monica

"absolutely." said brian

"ok i'll see you then." monica prepared to leave

"wait, one more thing." said brian

"what is it brian?" asked Monica

"yes, what is it brian?" Stewie interrupted "we're going to be late for barney! today

the kids get to learn about revolutions and barney is the dictator."

(Cutaway)

"Let's get him! he ran that way!" yelled out tina

"right behind you, little sister!" Yelled out lisa

"oh no! come on! this isn't funny anymore!" said barney

then rambo dropped in from behind, and gripped barney by the throat, and tore his

throat out of his neck!

For a few seconds there was silence, then all the children cheered!

(end cutaway!)

"Uh monica, you wanna go out for coffee later?" asked brian

"sure, i'd actually like to get to know you better." said monica

"great, i'll see you at 4." said Brian

"oh, this is going to the typical, it's an episode where brian meets girl, breaks up,

gets drunk and learns a lesson. like we don't have enough of that." said stewie.


	4. A bunch of used Gags

Part 4 - Peter at the habs game.

Peter was busy working at his desk, which basically meant doing nothing.

until mr. Pewterschmidt came in.

"hey mr. Pewtershmidt, how are you doing?" asked Peter

"I was having a good day until I got these promotional tickets to a Montreal

canadiens game. What the hell am I gonna do with these? I'm from Boston,

they'd kill me if I used them." said mr. Pewterschmidt

"Oh crap, that sucks. Well, i'm not a fan of the Canadiens, sheesh, can't

even spell the name of their team right." said Peter

"Peter, if you're not a fan, why are you wearing a Montreal jersey?" asked

mr. Pewterschmidt

"it's not a Montreal jersey, it's a habs jersey. Thats what the guy I bought it

from said it was." said Peter

(cutaway)

"So how much is this worth here in Quahog?" asked Peter to a silhouletted figure

"It's worth about 10 bucks. The Islanders hate the habs." said the funny voice

"So I give you ten bucks, I get the jersey! Freakin' sweet!" said Peter

"You betcha buddy! Can you give me ten bucks? I promised my nephew Robin

i'd buy him a burger." said the voice

"Your nephew is Robin? Are you Kermit the frog?" asked Peter

"Oh! Somebody talked! No one is safe! I'm outta here! Yaaaaaaaay!" yelled Kermit

the frog as he squiggled away.

"Hey, didn't we do this gag before?" Peter looked at the camera

(end cutaway)

"You idiot! The Habs and the Canadiens are the same thing." said mr. Pewterschmidt

"Oh really! I did not know that! Amazing!" exclaimed Peter

"Here's the tickets. Oh by the way, if you want to be friends with everyone in the

arena, say 'Boston rules' while you're in there, ok?" asked mr. Pewterschmidt

"You betcha, dad!" said Peter

"you dumbass, i'm not your dad!" said mr. Pewterschmidt

()

Back home, Lois was preparing dinner.

"kids, come down, I made some hamburger harmony!" said Lois

"And I helped!" said stewie in a happy tone "Wait, we did that gag too! stop

copying Seth, whoever's writing this fanfic!" said Stewie

Chris walked into the room.

"Hamburger harmony? Is that the same thing as Hamburger helper?" asked Chris

"it pretty much is, chris. it still tastes good!" said Lois

Chris took a taste.

"It does taste good! ahahahaa!" Chris laughed

"That's because it's made with wholesome, good food. you can buy yourself

hamburger harmony, or hamburger healthy, or holy hamburger! at your local

grocery store that sells it's own rip-off of third party products!" lois smiled at the camera

Just then, peter came running into the house.

"hey lois! lois! guess what! i just got tickets to a montreal canadiens game!" said peter

"that's wonderful, peter. who are they playing against?" asked lois

"let's see...it says the Vancouver Canucks. geez, that whale sure looks pissed. like that

time we went to seaworld and saw that trainer get killed." said peter

"peter, that's a very sad story for all who were involved." said lois "it has no place in this

fanfic in a comical way."

"really lois? i'm talking about that time where that girl with cerebral palsy got

bitten in half." said peter

"oh that time!" lois started laughing "oh hahaha!"

(cutaway)

the griffin family were watching a show at seaworld, where a girl with cerebral palsy

was throwing salmon to tikilum the whale.

"hey! don't fall in!" yelled peter

down at the edge of the pool, the whale jumped up, and grabbed the girl and chomped

her in half!

"ow!" the girl screamed, but peter started laughing.

(end cutaway)

"hey at least the doctors were able to give her a proper transplant afterwards. then

her palsy was cured!" peter reassured his family

(cutaway)

"congratulations, brittany! the operation was a success." said the surgeon to the girl

with cerebral palsy.

"oh my god! i'm not walking crooked anymore! how did you do it?" asked brittany

"well, we took the legs off of a dead girl." said the surgeon, pointing

at taylor swift's dead body, with a huge gaping shotgun wound to the head.

"oh my god! i've got taylor swifts legs! eeee! i'm gonna be a country star!"

brittany ran away laughing.

"dear god, what have i done?" the surgeon guiltily spoke.

Then miley cyrus and justin beiber walked into the room.

"oh my god! they killed taylor!" yelled miley

"you bastards!" yelled Justin

then a couple of gunshots rang out, and justin and miley fell to the floor. then cartman

showed up with the gun in his hand.

"Thats what you get for stealing our gag!"

(end cutaway)

Later that night, Brian and monica were at a bar.

"Brian, thanks for taking me out on a date." said monica

"oh you're welcome babe." said brian

"brian, we're just friends right now." said monica

"oh sorry, sorry." said brian

"that's ok. so what do you do for a living?" asked monica

"well i'm an author and a family dog." said brian

"how do you write or type with your paws?" asked monica

"You wanna go back to my place tonight and find out?" asked Brian

Monica gasped. offended, she splashed her drink in brian's face,

and walked off.

Brian sat there, soaked in wine.

"Damn it." he said to himself.


	5. The Final Chapter

The Final Conclusion! - Peter's misfortune at the game

()

The next day, Peter drove his family out to montreal for a game.

"boy, i am so psyched to see the habs play!" said Peter

"Well i'm glad you're enjoying yourself. we needed a family outing." said Lois

Brian was along as well. although he was still miserable from the night before.

"So brian, how did it go with monica?" asked Stewie

"crappy. worse than that time quagmire brought home that chobit." replied brian

(Cutaway)

Quagmire was talking with a replica of Chii from Chobits (A.N. a chobit is a fancy

robot, which is built to look realistic)

"so, can you ever get freaky with that mouth?" asked Quagmire

"Chii can get freaky." said Chii

"All-right!" said Quagmire

"Chii like all right!" said Chii

"So take off those clothes and let's get started." said quagmire

Chii took off her clothes and got naked.

"Giggity-Giggity-Giggity-Giggity-Giggity-Giggity-Giggity-goo!" Quagmire yelled in joy

Chii started giving quagmire a blowjob.

"ooh that feels good...ow owWWW! damnit chii! you bit it!" said quagmire

"Chii...shutting...down..." said Chii

"What does that mean! What does that OWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW! damnit

i think i lost it!"

(End Cutaway)

"You know brian, you really should try for different women. you know how those

caretakers are." said Stewie

"oh, and you know?" asked Brian

"You see brian, caretaker girls are the kind that know they can't have kids on their own

so they like to live their motherhoods then by doing that." said Stewie

"really? she seemed like she would've been perfect." said Brian

"no trust me, brian. she would've wanted to adopt." said Stewie

"oh yeah, i can't do that. too much into my drinking and like i've only got 3 or 4 more

years, right? uh, uh?" Asked brian

"there you go, thats thinking positive, buddy!" said Stewie

"hey everybody! we're here!" peter told his family.

()

At the hockey arena, peter was walking past all the fans.

"holy crap, look at all these canadians! i feel canadian myself." said Peter

"i don't feel canadian, dad." said Chris

"Chris, the title's american dad, it's on sundays at 9 on Fox! check your local

listings." peter winked at the camera

()

The family sat down.

"would you please stand, remove your hats, and join Jillian russell in the singing

of "Oh Canada" said the rink announcer.

"Oh my god! jillian's singing the national anthem? she's canadian?" asked Brian

"Canadian? Her stupidity makes sense now." said Stewie

"Ok, i'm gonna sing! so everyone enjoy!" jillian blurted out

_"Oh Canada_

_it's a great white land_

_it's got no sharks_

_and they don't play rock band..."_

"Oh my god, this is embarrasing." said Brian

"i find it amusing!" said Stewie

_"...we play hockey_

_and drink some beer_

_and we beat up america"_

"Oh come on! that war of 1812 never happened! thats's canadian propaganda!" said Brian

_"...Bob and doug_

_Mackenzie_

_i forgot the rest of the song..." _jillian giggled

_"God keep our land, glorious and free_

_oh canada, we stand on guard for beer/thee/ oh thee!_

_Oh canada, we stand on guard, for thee!" _Bob and Doug mackenzie finished the song.

"hey! wern't those guys the moose on brother bear?" asked Stewie

"that's them." said Brian

Back down at the rink, bob and doug argued.

"You screwed up your line, eh?" said bob

"Take off you hoser! you screwed up the line." said Doug

"you're too drunk to know you screwed it up, hosehead!" said Bob

"stop being so iggarant, eh! you screwed it up, hoser!" said Doug

As the 2 canadian brothers left the ice, the referee dropped the puck and let

the teams start the game.

Then peter remembered the advice mr. pewterschmidt gave him.

"Hey, i'm gonna make you all friends right now." said peter

Then peter stood up in front of the whole arena and yelled out.

"hey everybody! Boston rules! Go boston!" said Peter

then the whole arena booed. people started throwing beers and hotdogs at the griffins.

"Peter! what the hell did you do that for!?" asked lois

"Your dad told me to do it. he said we'd make friends!" said peter

"Peter, you should've learned by now, my dad hates you. remember when he told

you to go and bug the underage girls at the dorm?" asked lois

(cutaway)

Peter and carter are standing at the base of Alfea school for girls.

"ok peter, i want you to go in there with this camera and take pictures." said Carter

"Come on, dad, you know thats wrong! those are underage girls!" said Peter

"You idiot! they're fairies. you can't get in trouble for taking photos of magical underage

girls. it's in the constitutional rights!" said Carter

"aw! freakin' sweet! masterbate to jailbait! here i come!" peter rushed into the dorm.

Peter crept through the hallways with the camera, and sneaked into the shower room.

he could hear the girls talking.

"so like, totally!" said one girl

"yeah! like whatever!" said another girl

"i'm soooo like, ya!" said another

"i'm british in the 4kids version. isn't that weird?" said another

Then peter burst into the room with the camera.

"smile for the camera ladies!" said peter

the girls turned around, and peter snapped photo after photo after photo. then he did his

dumb laugh (A.N. i can't spell his laugh. i just can't) and ran

"After him!" said one of the girls

The girls chased peter down the dorm hallway, and began beating on him. one of the

girls activated her magic powers and started smacking him around.

"This is the dragon fire! and a bunch of extra lines added in so 4kids can ruin a good

cartoon show!" yelled the main fairy

(end cutaway)

"oh yeah, i forgot about that. you'd think these tickets were fake, knowing your dad." said

peter

"hey! there's that hoser right there! he's got fake tickets eh! get em!" yelled a security guard.

The family bolted as fast as they could for the doors. they ran for the car, and drove away

as fast as they could.

"oh sweet! we made it! good ol' america, here we come. hey where's meg?" asked Peter

"i don't know. she didn't really say anything this whole episode. where is she?" asked lois

(cutaway)

meg was having sex with a finnish hockey players in the locker room.

"oh my god! this is so much fun! can i have your number?" asked meg

"dude! this pig talk! beastiality so much good!" said the Finnish player

()

THE END


End file.
